Just to remind everyone (including me), love is not always what you think it is. Love does not depend on your definition (including me) and it surely doesn’t need your approval to be how it suppose to be.
Bored of reading about what love is and how love suppose to be, I decided to write about “what is NOT love” even it may appear to be one only because it is your definition of love. Lets put arrogance aside.
What is NOT love?
- A partner who behaves, talks, thinks, feels, acts and reacts exactly how YOU want him/her to be, is NOT love. Firstly, you don’t and can’t do the above for your partner because you shouldn’t and most importantly there is no need for it. Love is about embracing the differences but the effort to get to know the likes and dislikes of your partner will definitely avoid many useless problem and will improve the quality of your relationship.
- If you are “beside” your partner day till night, I’m sorry, this is NOT love. You are being clingy and there is nothing seriously wrong in that. But what happens when your partner did not message/call you as “usual”? Do you feel bad for them that they might be caught up with work? Or you make them feel bad instead? Usually it is the later because you were lying in the name of love. You were just selfish and doubtful about them. You want them to be there for you which caused the anger rooted deep down from doubt. Bear in mind that if you understand that your partner needs you as well, or you want to be there for them, after a hard day of work stuck in a traffic, you will never make them feel like a loser.
- Having someone who needs to put up with your shit while you tolerate nothing about them is NOT love. I get so annoyed reading posts like “I deserve a guy/girl who accepts me for who I am”. You saying YOU deserve that? Hmmm. First of all, do you accept your partner for who they are? Do you accept their flaws and scars? You don’t. You keep bringing them down by constantly reminding of their past and how weak they were and smash every single sincere effort taken to improve and make the best of the rest. Please don’t expect good to happen to you. Work for good to happen to others and good will come to you. Trust me.
- Being “careful” with every single thing you do in a relationship is NOT love. It’s called walking on eggshells. Wait. I don’t mean you can do anything as u wish, but to have that fear of being judged and humiliated is unhealthy. Do not mistake carefulness for respect. You need a partner who respects you and for that, you need respect others. This being “careful” thingy depends solely on time. How long you want you relationship to last? You can be focused or “careful” for a short period of time for example, attending an interview. But can you be the same throughout your 30 years of service? A big no. You will want to be yourself. Be free. Same goes to you and your partner.
- When you partner REPEATS something wrong and you keep forgiving/tolerating them, this too is NOT love. Let me clear few things before I proceed. When something goes wrong, demand an explanation because you surely deserve one. In that explanation, all you need to look for is RESPONSIBILITY ; does your partner take the responsibility for it and regret what had happen. Next, if you forgive them, make sure you FORGIVE them. Talking about is 3 years later just to win an argument is not forgiveness and hence it is NOT love. After their mistake, do they improve themselves? Improvements are not perfect, this means in the process of improving, your partner might slip here and there a little. Observe where their focus is. If the goal is correct, then you should be flexible and supportive.
- When someone says they love you from morning till night repeatedly, this is NOT love. Say. Everybody can say. Anybody can say. But can they do? It is easy perhaps to say than to actually do. Your partner doing something that hurts you knowing it will hurt you, and later SAYING they will do better is no good. It is common for someone to say I LOVE YOU. But to stay and build a relationship requires much more than that. It requires constant effort from both sides to develop the quality and strength of it.
- Luring a partner to do something or to stop doing something in the name of God. Oh this is the cheapest kind of human. I repeat. CheapEST. If your partner uses religion or culture to get something from you, this is NOT love. Religion is good and beautiful but to use it for self gain, I need to find a word for that. Sigh. I am a firm believer of “listen to what they are saying, not who is saying”, but if your partner tries to apply a set of God’s Law or Universal Law only on you and not for them, it’s red zone my friend. This people might sell their soul just to dictate you and your life. Can I give you an example? 🙂 There is a religion on earth where breathing is forbidden. Hahax. So you hold your breath and you partner goes behind you and take a deep breath and runs back to your face and shows that they are holding their breath too. Hypocrites.
What to do when nothing works? Leave. The relationship failed. The success and failure of a relationship comes from every entity involved. Both sided. People will blame you. Curse you and call you names. Don’t be surprised that the same lips that tirelessly kissed you will spread the bad things about you and hide all the good you did. At least they will tell themselves again and again of how bad you are. They will never consider the pain you went through. The one bad you did will be your eternal crown.
Now, wear that crown. Stand up tall. Walk high in life. Your past does need not define you.
A small note to all of us…
*Don’t be to serious in life because nothing last.
*We are here for a very short period of time.
*Not everything will work according to you.
*If you blame other for the bad, don’t take credit for the good.
*Don’t judge because you are not God. Unless it’s your profession.
*Avoid toxic people and situations.
The man who was blamed for the thinning of the ozone layers.