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Lvoe – You spelled it wrong!

Just to remind everyone (including me), love is not always what you think it is. Love does not depend on your definition (including me) and it surely doesn’t need your approval to be how it suppose to be.

Bored of reading about what love is and how love suppose to be, I decided to write about “what is NOT love” even it may appear to be one only because it is your definition of love. Lets put arrogance aside.

What is NOT love?

  • A partner who behaves, talks, thinks, feels, acts and reacts exactly how YOU want him/her to be, is NOT love. Firstly, you don’t and can’t do the above for your partner because you shouldn’t and most importantly there is no need for it. Love is about embracing the differences but the effort to get to know the likes and dislikes of your partner will definitely avoid many useless problem and will improve the quality of your relationship.

 

  • If you are “beside” your partner day till night, I’m sorry, this is NOT love. You are being clingy and there is nothing seriously wrong in that. But what happens when your partner did not message/call you as “usual”? Do you feel bad for them that they might be caught up with work? Or you make them feel bad instead? Usually it is the later because you were lying in the name of love. You were just selfish and doubtful about them. You want them to be there for you which caused the anger rooted deep down from doubt. Bear in mind that if you understand that your partner needs you as well, or you want to be there for them, after a hard day of work stuck in a traffic, you will never make them feel like a loser.

 

  • Having someone who needs to put up with your shit while you tolerate nothing about them is NOT love. I get so annoyed reading posts like “I deserve a guy/girl who accepts me for who I am”. You saying YOU deserve that? Hmmm. First of all, do you accept your partner for who they are? Do you accept their flaws and scars? You don’t. You keep bringing them down by constantly reminding of their past and how weak they were and smash every single sincere effort taken to improve and make the best of the rest. Please don’t expect good to happen to you. Work for good to happen to others and good will come to you. Trust me.

 

  • Being “careful” with every single thing you do in a relationship is NOT love. It’s called walking on eggshells. Wait. I don’t mean you can do anything as u wish, but to have that fear of being judged and humiliated is unhealthy. Do not mistake carefulness for respect. You need a partner who respects you and for that, you need respect others. This being “careful” thingy depends solely on time. How long you want you relationship to last? You can be focused or “careful” for a short period of time for example, attending an interview. But can you be the same throughout your 30 years of service? A big no. You will want to be yourself. Be free. Same goes to you and your partner.

 

  • When you partner REPEATS something wrong and you keep forgiving/tolerating them, this too is NOT love. Let me clear few things before I proceed. When something goes wrong, demand an explanation because you surely deserve one. In that explanation, all you need to look for is RESPONSIBILITY ; does your partner take the responsibility for it and regret what had happen. Next, if you forgive them, make sure you FORGIVE them. Talking about is 3 years later just to win an argument is not forgiveness and hence it is NOT love. After their mistake, do they improve themselves? Improvements are not perfect, this means in the process of improving, your partner might slip here and there a little. Observe where their focus is. If the goal is correct, then you should be flexible and supportive.

 

  • When someone says they love you from morning till night repeatedly, this is NOT love. Say. Everybody can say. Anybody can say. But can they do? It is easy perhaps to say than to actually do. Your partner doing something that hurts you knowing it will hurt you, and later SAYING they will do better is no good. It is common for someone to say I LOVE YOU. But to stay and build a relationship requires much more than that. It requires constant effort from both sides to develop the quality and strength of it.

 

  • Luring a partner to do something or to stop doing something in the name of God. Oh this is the cheapest kind of human. I repeat. CheapEST. If your partner uses religion or culture to get something from you, this is NOT love. Religion is good and beautiful but to use it for self gain, I need to find a word for that. Sigh. I am a firm believer of “listen to what they are saying, not who is saying”, but if your partner tries to apply a set of God’s Law or Universal Law only on you and not for them, it’s red zone my friend. This people might sell their soul just to dictate you and your life. Can I give you an example? 🙂 There is a religion on earth where breathing is forbidden. Hahax. So you hold your breath and you partner goes behind you and take a deep breath and runs back to your face and shows that they are holding their breath too. Hypocrites.

 

What to do when nothing works? Leave. The relationship failed. The success and failure of a relationship comes from every entity involved. Both sided. People will blame you. Curse you and call you names. Don’t be surprised  that the same lips that tirelessly kissed you will spread the bad things about you and hide all the good you did. At least they will tell themselves again and again of how bad you are. They will never consider the pain you went through. The one bad you did will be your eternal crown.

Now, wear that crown. Stand up tall. Walk high in life. Your past  does need not define you.

A small note to all of us…

*Don’t be to serious in life because nothing last.

*We are here for a very short period of time.

*Not everything will work according to you.

*If you blame other for the bad, don’t take credit for the good.

*Don’t judge because you are not God. Unless it’s your profession.

*Avoid toxic people and situations.

*Forgive honestly

Sulaiman Sugumar,

The man who was blamed for the thinning of the ozone layers.

 

 

 

Choice

🔘Some people supports when you fall.
🔘Some people supports when you put effort to get up.
🔘Some people just watch.
🔘Some people wait for you to fall.
🔘Some people laughs when you fall.
🔘Some people work very hard to make sure you stay down. And even if you rise, they will keep reminding you of your flaws and scars.
That “some people” is you and I. We have the choice of treating others. Choose wisely and be sincere in your actions because it reflects the image of our inner beauty. 

What have we become?

I observe what is going on in the new world of Facebook particularly on how we humans treat each other. I see how those so called religious people mock at other beautiful religions. I see how girls spread gossips around. I see how guys ill treat the opposite sex. You might have witness people insulting their once-loved-ones and humiliate them publicly but “indirectly”.
I put my hands together to Almighty God, to forgive us all and to protect us from all toxic deed in real life and this virtual world which seemingly more realistic. 
I do ask myself why this deed is becoming more addictive to many of us and of course this includes me and I come up with few points I listed below.
1. We don’t trust in God/Law of Nature.
We don’t believe that everything happens for a reason and there is good behind all like how we preach in social media. We blame someone for any bad thing and always take credit for the good ones. We tend to dust of responsibility over any bad thing that happened. We claim that only God can judge me, but we run around judging others. 
2. We don’t forgive. 
We tend to look down at certain people or community only because they have gone wrong in their past. We stereotype others based on our little knowledge and arrogance. When we feel that we can improve ourselves from our past, why can others be better too? Why don’t we pray for them? Some of us can’t. Because our hearts have been so dark, we love ignorance.
3. We don’t care.
The ugliest truth is we don’t care about others. We don’t care how much we are going to hurt them, only because they have hurt us before. Biting the snake which bit you doesn’t seem to be a good idea for me. 🙂 We don’t care spreading negativity to this beautiful world but keep complaining the lack of positiveness. Ego tells us that we were right and they were wrong, all the time. Nobody is Pharaoh. 
If we can’t pray for others, please don’t pray to God. Don’t insult God’s purity with our fake hearts. Nobody is perfect and life is short. Lets help each other o the least of including the names of those who have hurt us in our night prayers.
Sulaiman Sugumar

The man who was treated like a Pharaoh.

Whom do I owe an explanation?

When I choose to lengthen my beard, do I owe anyone an explanation? If I do, to whom? When I walk off from small people with their small talks blooming from their tiny ugly life, do I owe anyone an explanation? To whom? Or when I stand stiff inside the smoking zone box, do I owe anyone an explanation? If I do, to whom?

It appears that I need to explain myself every time I do something “wrong”.

Well, when I behave according to the system, I will be labelled as “correct” and hence I don’t have the need to explain myself. For example, attending an interview with a t-shirt and shorts seems to be “wrong” and I owe an explanation to the interviewer. On the other side if I were to have my suit on, it is “correct” so I don’t owe anyone any explanation. 

And life, I just love saying this, is beautiful. How do I let someone to walk in and determine what is right and wrong based on their understanding which in the end, puts me in a rollercoaster ride of owing and not owing an explanation to someone at least. 

Why can’t I decide on my own, for myself? Why I need to be correct? We all agreed that nobody is perfect, right? So what if I screw up? Wouldn’t I be able to learn and grow? Why do I need to follow something or someone that doesn’t fulfill my soul? Why am I alive if all I have to do is to just follow? 

Only dead fish goes with the flow.

You don’t want to continue what you are studying, quit. Don’t like you job, look for a better one. Hate your spouse, divorce. Want to enjoy life alone, don’t get married. Look like you ate few cameras, hit the gym (only FRIENDS fans will understand :). 

We all have the freedom to choose and of course the consequences follows. Be it good or bad, be brave and strong to bear with it. Respect life and others. Be love and kind even to those who hurt you. Be considerate but don’t just tolerate. Every action has a reaction. Don’t scream and run when the reaction hits you on the face. If your whining is not attached with grinding, you are weak. Mourn and crying. Wake up and start doing what defines yourself.

Be grateful but don’t settle.

Now, whom do I owe an explanation?

Myself.

Reality check falling from dreamland…

I walk too tall sometimes that the world suffers from acrophobia. What I think is right and what I do is perfect so leave alone what I feel, cause it is pure. Too much greatness in a single soul is no great at all. But sometimes you have to walk tall, so tall that you fall and rise again only to learn and grow. Can life be any better? 🙂

Before going to bed I usually think about what wrong I saw the whole day. From the lady who didn’t say thank you to the cashier girl in 7eleven, right up to the guy who dumped his love for no apparent reason. And sometimes I do think about pets biting their owners. Grrr.

I was becoming better and better, oh sorry. I was not meaning better in the sense of a better person or a better life, but I was reaching a wholesome level of great capacity for highlighting the mistakes of others and feeling great about me not doing that mistake. 

I completely forgot about myself. How am I doing? And what am I doing? Noticing the mistakes or faults of others alone did not bring me any good. I did have the path to avoid those mistakes I saw because the journey of self enlightenment starts within. It starts with me. So now, every night I think of what good I did and wanting to do more of it the next day, and less of the unpleasant ones. 

This simple “switch” taught me one beautiful lesson. 

Blind is not the eyes that does not see. But that heart that does not feel.

When we don’t look at what lies within, we will never see what is in front of us. Life is beautiful. Life is you. Look within you and you will see more of the beauty of this life. 

Sulaiman Sugumar

The man who didn’t see what was within…

(cont)… Change your habit. Change your life.

1. What you want?

2. When you want it?

3. Why you want it?

Done with these questions? Now lets move to habit changing part. Either you want to develop a new good habit or refrain from a bad one is totally up to you to judge and decide but set your goals clear. Example,

  • What you want? – To run 10km, 3 times a week
  • When you want it? – In 3 months time (Don’t race)
  • Why you want it? – To improve my stamina so that I can take part in a marathon next year.

1.Track – The very first thing you need to do is to track or observe your current habit’s “severity” and frequency. Width & Depth. Observe and record every single thing related directly and indirectly towards your targeted habit (TH). While you are in this first stage, you need not to start practising the TH. Observer your initial status in detail. The observation may vary for every one of us. Some may be running already but only 3km. Some may be running 10km but only once a month. And some, zero run,zero times a week. Yeay! 🙂

2.Plan – The second stage is where you write a schedule on how are you going to achieve your TH in 3 months time. How you design your schedule is completely subjective but I personally will plan out a very slow and steady method. I will never ever rush or be all “greedy” about it and stop everything just in 2 weeks. You can start from 1km

3.Work – I will choose the 3 days I want to run and I will RUN. I don’t have to hit my TH yet. I have 3 months time for that remember? I might run every Monday, Wednesday and Friday while tracking my distance. Here I will have a record on my personal stats which will help me to make any changes if need in my schedule. No matter what, I MUST run on these 3 days. By hook. By crook. Zero toleration.

(cont)……..

 

Change your habit. Change your life.

Maybe you have thought about it. To change or otherwise improve yourself to be a better person than you were yesterday. Blessed are those who is able to see their own flaws as in the current world, seeing the flaws of others and taking credit from someone’s weaknesses have become a global trend. I’m really proud of you. 

Since there is something about you that you’d like to improve, try to keep the focus to yourself and never ever race against anyone. True success is when you do better today than YOURSELF yesterday. It will be great if you have a target or idol in achieving a goal but again, don’t race with them.

Is changing a habit easy? No. It is hard but definitely possible and it totally depends on the few questions below.

1. What you want?

2. When you want it?

3. Why you want it?

By answering these questions, you’ll know how much passion you have towards a change.  While you figure out the answers, I’ll take a break. 

See you soon.

Sulaiman Sugumar

First blog on the last day.

It’s new year? Again?

1 year. 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. 8,760 hours. 525,600 minutes. 31,536,000 seconds.

Wait. Before we go all excited about the new year, remember that we were in the same excitement last year. We promised many things or at least one. What happen to it? Did we achieve out target/targets? Or do we even still remember them?

We shall not look at the past? Oh yes we should. Past is there for a reason. Past is the most priceless lesson one can have. Definitely not to dwell in it or to use it against someone who tries their lungs out to improve like how I was held up against. But we all can learn from the past to avoid mistakes. My old man used to tell me that “There is nothing wrong in a mistake, but just don’t do the same mistake twice”.

We all have the freedom to choose to continue our lives in the state of denial because it’s not going to harm anyone else but ourselves. I believe that we can do anything we want as long as it doesn’t trouble or harm anyone else. So, what happened to 2016?

Nothing wrong in having a new year’s resolution but it is important to realise that a new “year” is just a frame of thought. In a simple word? Just another day. Yes. It is just another 24-hour day where the sun rises and sets as beautiful as it was since time.

What make it count is that dream and goal we set towards being a better version of ourselves. Most of our plans did not turn out well because we stopped half way. Sometimes not even half, maybe February or March and we are done. It is common to see memes on social medias on how gyms are going to be packed on January and spacious as how it used to be by April. Like this there are so many plans and dreams dead by 90 days.

You : Why this is happening?

Answer : Consistency.

You : That’s the point. How to be consistent?

Answer : SAY NO TO NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION 😀

Yes, how I look at this problem is that a “year” is too big or too long for the mind to handle. So? Break it up. My favourite resolution is the New Day’s Resolution. It may sound stupid to have resolution planned and carried out every single day but trust me, water did not cut through the rocks by flowing the first 30 days of a year. It runs every single day.

Example? You want to be able to play the ukulele by end of 2017. Hence you need to join a class. 4 classes every month. 1 class every week. Lets say your class in on Fridays. Clear?

Let the magic of truth be revealed.

Stop cracking your mind about not being able to play the ukulele by the end of 2017 because you can. How? Don’t miss your ukulele class every Friday, give your 100% focus learning it, absorb from your ukulele guru. Don’t worry about a year,because your success is on Friday. Not year end. If you work hard on that Friday, you will get to play the ukulele by year end 2017. I promise.

Oh ya, now you are thinking about practising at home? Sure. I told you to “absorb from your ukulele guru” remember? Your guru would have a plan for you to practice or assignments for you to complete at home. Follow the plan. Lets go deeper now. In the plan from your ukulele guru, it says that you have to practice everyday for 20 minutes. This means, if you just be laser focus on that 20 minutes daily, you will be performing ukulele on my wedding function. I promise. 😛

To put things very simple, I just want you to split your goals into smaller and tinier parts. Work well on the small duties, the big ultimate goal will take its place automatically.

With love,

Sulaiman Sugumar

 

[ My next blog – You can be right when you are wrong ]